Family Ties

When I was newly married, I asked my dad how he navigated the sometimes overwhelming challenge of being part of a new family and having in-laws.  He only paused slightly before he said with a smile, "Easy. We moved 100 miles away from my parents and 900 miles away from hers." I suspect that had I asked my mom the same question, she would have had a similar answer.

Genesis 2:24 says that "therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." While the Lord didn't put a mileage requirement on the admonition for a man to leave his parents to cleave unto his wife, my dad's joke wasn't far off the mark. It wasn't until my husband and I moved hundreds of miles and three states away from our families that we really, completely leaned on each other - cleaved unto each other.

At the beginning of our marriage, we were within a few minutes of my husband's parents' home and a few hours away from mine. It was easy to still look to them for counsel because they were right there. There was no shortage of advice, especially when it came to finances and employment and children. If we went to Sunday dinner, there were questions about our future plans. I fully believe that they all had the best of intentions, and I do love them so much. It didn't seem too intrusive, but the advice was always there.

We had been married for about five years when we moved away. Without our parents in close proximity, we were forced to turn to each other with our concerns. We talked more and dreamed more, and we were able to problem-solve.

As my children near the stage in life where they will be bringing new people into the family, I am trying to remember those feelings that I had those many years ago. Will I be able to separate myself from their lives enough that they will be able to grow and learn together without moving away? Or will I be so enmeshed that I don't really see the harm that I am causing? I hope that the former is true. I hope that my children and children-in-law will feel my love...and nothing more.

Family Fight Night

"Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council. Fathers and mothers should apply diligently the principles I have discussed in their relationships with each other and with their children. In doing so, our homes can become a heaven on earth" (Ballard).

It sounds lovely, doesn't it? 

Having had some prior experience with family fight night...I mean family councils, I was very wary about this assignment. I had to write down what I wanted to happen during and as a result of the council, and my first goal was that no one would end up crying. I can't remember what was on the agenda, but I do remember that my goal was not accomplished. We started off well. I had sent an agenda via text to all of my family members the night before. We started with a prayer. We talked about the items on the agenda, and I worked hard to stay on topic. However, things fell apart somewhere around "I could really use a little more help around the house." Everyone took offense to my statement, which I can now admit was poorly phrased. Our council turned into the blame game.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't salvage the spirit with which the meeting started. So, I cried. My tears were part frustration, part anger, part feeling of failure.

But I didn't give up! We held another family council a few weeks later, and then another and another. My family could recognize the importance of touching base, and the kids have felt empowered by our request for their input on certain family matters. 

Sometimes, our family councils don't look like the formal councils that Elder Ballard describes in his book, "Counseling with Our Counsels." Sometimes, it's a group text because we are all running in different directions. Other times, we have a prayer and refreshments. Both extremes have served us well, since our main goal is family connectivity. Our family fight nights have become an opportunity to show our love and support for each other, and there haven't been "council tears" in quite some time. I would triumphantly shout "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED", but I realize that there is always room for improvement. I know that we will be blessed as we work toward perfecting our councils.

Let's Talk About....

I grew up in a house where the "S word" was never talked about. Everything I learned about intimacy, I learned on the school bus or the playground. I remember one time, I think I was a freshman in high school, we had a substitute teacher in one of our classes. We had a test that day, and I was sitting at a table with three boys. They thought it would be funny to write sexually charged answers on the paper, rather than the real answers. As they would think of something they thought to be funny, they would say it out loud, and the rest of the table (including me) would laugh. At the end of the class period, one of the boys wadded his paper up and threw it in the garbage. About an hour later, I got called to the principal's office, where I was reprimanded for being part of this group. The substitute had retrieved the paper from the trash can and shared it with the principal. He showed me some of the vulgar things that were written on the paper, and he told me that he had called the boys' parents to explain what they had done. As he talked to me, he said that he had decided not to call my parents, because he could tell that I had no idea what most of the things on the paper even meant. I had just been laughing with the others as to not give away my naivete. I was embarrassed that I didn't know what everyone else seemed to know.

On my wedding day, I wasn't much more knowledgeable. For some reason, my aunt tried to give me a quick primer in the temple parking lot (talk about feeling uncomfortable!), and I didn't dare ask my new husband the questions that were on my mind. Thankfully, he was much less uncomfortable with the topic, having grown up talking about it.

Elder Hugh B. Brown has noted: “Many marriages have been wrecked on the dangerous rocks of ignorant and debased sex behavior, both before and after marriage. Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes.

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. …

“If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities. … if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, … much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 22–23, 73.)

I got lucky. If my husband had felt as uncomfortable as I did, there could have been many opportunities for sadness and misunderstanding over the years. I have been more careful to be open to my kids' questions about intimacy, which - fingers crossed - will help them avoid the sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy that Elder Brown spoke of.

Let Me Tell You Something

Let me tell you some things about my husband...

When I tell him someone's name, I have to repeat it at least three times before he hears what I'm saying. "I met someone named Isla today!" "Mira?" "No. Isla." "Ella?" "No. Isla." "Twila?" "Sure." Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but not a very big one. For some reason, sometimes things get lost in translation in the time it takes the sound waves to leave my mouth and enter his ears.

He folds the towels wrong.

He never - and I mean NEVER - answers texts from me. I have the kids text him or call him if I need to get an answer. It works 87% of the time.

In his New York Times Bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says that 70% of the things we don't like will never change. H. Wallace Goddard said:

 "We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But Heaven seems to have constructed that percentage...what a wise design! Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity..there are no right words when our hearts are wrong."

Let me tell you something else about my husband. He is the single most charitable person in my life. He will drop everything to help a neighbor or a stranger in need. In this picture, he had just stopped and picked up a stranded family. He was on a road trip, hundreds of miles from home, and he noticed this family with a disabled vehicle on the side of the freeway. They had been there for nearly 8 hours, waiting for someone to stop. They didn't speak English. Their kids were tired and hungry. He drove them two hours in the opposite direction, arranged for someone to fix their car, contacted someone from the local ward, and made sure that they were fed and warm. That's who he is.

So, the other day, when he decided to "help" with the laundry, instead of shaming him for putting things on hangers inside out and folding the towels the way that he was taught when he was growing up (instead of the way that I do it), my mind went to the charity that he was showing me. He was unburdening me. He was looking past my annoying need for things to be done the way that I want them to be done, because he knew that I needed help. He probably expected me to say something, yet he served me anyway. That is charity.

I'm grateful for the chance that we both get, each and every day, to learn charity and truly grow in our love for each other.

"We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on Heavenly grace." (Goddard)

One Word.

On this day two years ago, I was a different person. I was angry and bitter and miserable. Less than a month earlier, my son's mission was delayed so that he could resolve something. When he first told us that he thought it would be delayed, we speculated on the length of time. Three months? That would be hard, but we could do it. Six months? That would be SO hard. We were sure we could do it if we stayed focused and motivated. But wow, would that be hard. So, when the bishop told us that the missionary department in Salt Lake City had decided that Dylan would have to wait at least a year before he could serve, we were devastated. I don't even know if devastated is the right word. It felt impossible. How could we keep an 18-year old boy in "mission mode" for twelve months? So, I was angry. I was most angry at the mission department. In my mind, there was some guy in a suit whose job it was to take file after file filled with teenage boys and girls who had made mistakes and decide on their "sentence." When he got to Dyl's, he barely glanced at it before he stamped it with this big, red "ONE YEAR" stamp, and moved on to the next. Of course that's not how it happened - the guy in the suit was a figment of my imagination. But oh, how I hated him. How could they do this to my son?

And so it was for weeks. And then months. So much anger. I am not an angry person by nature, so this was a really foreign feeling. I didn't like it. I knew that I had to change, so I turned to the scriptures. I scoured them. I listened to conference talks, especially talks about missionaries, trying to glean any bit of advice from modern day leaders. I prayed. And still nothing. There was no peace.

And then during an early morning scripture study with my kids two months later, something happened. We were reading in Mosiah, chapter 27. This is the chapter in which Alma the younger is struck dumb by an angel who had called him to repentance. "He became weak, even that he could not move his hands; therefore he was taken by those that were with him, and carried helpless, even until he was laid before his father." Usually, we take turns reading two verses each until we get through the chapter. It came around to me again, and I started verse 21:

"And he caused that a multitude should be gathered together that they might witness what the Lord had done for his son, and also for those that were with him."

I couldn't read the next verse, because I was overcome with emotion. I began to cry. Alma's son had just been laid at his feet, seemingly lifeless. And what did Alma do? He gathered people together and he said, not "look what the Lord has done TO my son", but "look what the Lord has done FOR my son." For. One word - out of 273,725 words in the book that I had read several times previously - changed me. For. I knew at that moment that the Lord was in charge and that He would do anything for Dylan, His son, "and also for those that were with him" - me. Suddenly, it didn't seem so impossible.

Today is Dylan's "hump day." One year since he left to serve the people of Osorno, Chile. He is happy and thriving, and he has grown more than I ever could have imagined. He calls that one year delay his "personal conversion story" and he has shared it when teaching other missionaries. I am so proud of him.

Hey, everyone...look what the Lord has done for my son.

The Natural (wo)Man

I'm tired.

Full-time job, full-time school, full-time mom.

Part-time wife.

How did that happen? Somewhere, in all the demands coming from every direction, I have lost my way. After all, if I don't give my all at work, I will lose my job. If I don't do my schoolwork, I may not graduate. If I relax - even the slightest - in my duties as a mother, my children will suffer. Why has it taken me this long to see that my marriage needs more attention than all of my other relationships?

To paraphrase King Benjamin, the natural woman is an enemy to marriage. My husband is patient and forgiving. Because of that, it has been easy for me to put him last. He'll still be there when I come up for air. Right?

I've recently begun to recognize that he's tired, too. Tired of waiting for me to remember him. I know that I need to get on the fast track back to being the wife that he deserves. But how?

Perhaps King Benjamin's advice is a good place to start: "...becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love"(Mosiah 3:19)  When put in the context of a marriage relationship, those qualities become even more sacred. The world would say that submissiveness in marriage is an undesirable quality, but I believe that it is one of the most important ways to "put off the natural man." Being submissive means that I am aware of his needs and wants and that I selflessly put him first. If we are both more concerned about each other more than ourselves, our relationship will be on solid ground. Submissiveness builds a foundation for meekness, humility, patience, and love.

What a blessing that I don't have to embark on this journey of self-improvement alone. By "yielding to the enticings of the Holy Spirit", I will know the steps to take to make my marriage a top priority.

Fighting Entropy

I'm a word nerd. There's just something about certain words that I find fascinating. I remember when I was a teenager, I heard someone use the word "hubris" to describe an actor, and for months, I tried to use that word as often as possible. I have thesaurus.com bookmarked.

What can I say? I. Love. Words.

So, you can imagine how excited I was when not one, but two of my classes this week used the word "entropy" to describe marriage and family relationships.

dictionary.com

What in the world does a measure of thermodynamic energy have to do with relationships? Some clues can be found in the "related words" at the bottom of the picture above. In a 1976 devotional, President Spencer W. Kimball said that "many people have permitted their marriages to grow stale and weak and cheap...these people would do well to reevaluate, to renew their courting, to express their affection, to acknowledge kindnesses, and to increase their consideration so their marriage again can become beautiful, sweet, and growing."

I began to wonder if I had unwittingly let my marriage slip into entropy. I recently started working after 25 years of being a stay-at-home mom, and I have a full load of college classes as I work toward my degree. This, combined with all that it takes to raise six children, has stretched my energy to a level I have scarcely before felt. It's no wonder that all of my relationships are suffering. Unfortunately, my marital relationship is included. I'm exhausted, and I can't very well let my children fend for themselves, right? In all of my relationship responsibilities, I am realizing that I have put my husband last.

Thankfully, he was willing to sit down with me this week so that we could talk about my epiphany. Together, we made a list of three things that we could do to bring our relationship back from its entropic state. First, we need a regular date night. There has to be ONE NIGHT in the week where we can put aside our other responsibilities and focus on us. Just us. No kids, no homework, no job. Just us. We decided that would be Friday night. Second, we need to show more interest in each other's daily activities. Somehow, through all the years, we have stopped asking each other the question "how was your day?". It seems like a simple thing, yet it has disappeared as we turn our focus inward. Third, and very most importantly, we need to kneel down together for couples' prayer each day. I say my personal prayers, but since we go to bed at different times, we have stopped saying nightly prayers together. This is something that will help knit our spirits and our hearts together.

Can entropy be reversed? I don't know enough about thermodynamics to answer that question literally, but I do believe that figurative entropy is absolutely reversible. And we're going to prove it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for my date.