Family Ties

When I was newly married, I asked my dad how he navigated the sometimes overwhelming challenge of being part of a new family and having in-laws.  He only paused slightly before he said with a smile, "Easy. We moved 100 miles away from my parents and 900 miles away from hers." I suspect that had I asked my mom the same question, she would have had a similar answer.

Genesis 2:24 says that "therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." While the Lord didn't put a mileage requirement on the admonition for a man to leave his parents to cleave unto his wife, my dad's joke wasn't far off the mark. It wasn't until my husband and I moved hundreds of miles and three states away from our families that we really, completely leaned on each other - cleaved unto each other.

At the beginning of our marriage, we were within a few minutes of my husband's parents' home and a few hours away from mine. It was easy to still look to them for counsel because they were right there. There was no shortage of advice, especially when it came to finances and employment and children. If we went to Sunday dinner, there were questions about our future plans. I fully believe that they all had the best of intentions, and I do love them so much. It didn't seem too intrusive, but the advice was always there.

We had been married for about five years when we moved away. Without our parents in close proximity, we were forced to turn to each other with our concerns. We talked more and dreamed more, and we were able to problem-solve.

As my children near the stage in life where they will be bringing new people into the family, I am trying to remember those feelings that I had those many years ago. Will I be able to separate myself from their lives enough that they will be able to grow and learn together without moving away? Or will I be so enmeshed that I don't really see the harm that I am causing? I hope that the former is true. I hope that my children and children-in-law will feel my love...and nothing more.

Family Fight Night

"Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council. Fathers and mothers should apply diligently the principles I have discussed in their relationships with each other and with their children. In doing so, our homes can become a heaven on earth" (Ballard).

It sounds lovely, doesn't it? 

Having had some prior experience with family fight night...I mean family councils, I was very wary about this assignment. I had to write down what I wanted to happen during and as a result of the council, and my first goal was that no one would end up crying. I can't remember what was on the agenda, but I do remember that my goal was not accomplished. We started off well. I had sent an agenda via text to all of my family members the night before. We started with a prayer. We talked about the items on the agenda, and I worked hard to stay on topic. However, things fell apart somewhere around "I could really use a little more help around the house." Everyone took offense to my statement, which I can now admit was poorly phrased. Our council turned into the blame game.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't salvage the spirit with which the meeting started. So, I cried. My tears were part frustration, part anger, part feeling of failure.

But I didn't give up! We held another family council a few weeks later, and then another and another. My family could recognize the importance of touching base, and the kids have felt empowered by our request for their input on certain family matters. 

Sometimes, our family councils don't look like the formal councils that Elder Ballard describes in his book, "Counseling with Our Counsels." Sometimes, it's a group text because we are all running in different directions. Other times, we have a prayer and refreshments. Both extremes have served us well, since our main goal is family connectivity. Our family fight nights have become an opportunity to show our love and support for each other, and there haven't been "council tears" in quite some time. I would triumphantly shout "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED", but I realize that there is always room for improvement. I know that we will be blessed as we work toward perfecting our councils.