The Natural (wo)Man

I'm tired.

Full-time job, full-time school, full-time mom.

Part-time wife.

How did that happen? Somewhere, in all the demands coming from every direction, I have lost my way. After all, if I don't give my all at work, I will lose my job. If I don't do my schoolwork, I may not graduate. If I relax - even the slightest - in my duties as a mother, my children will suffer. Why has it taken me this long to see that my marriage needs more attention than all of my other relationships?

To paraphrase King Benjamin, the natural woman is an enemy to marriage. My husband is patient and forgiving. Because of that, it has been easy for me to put him last. He'll still be there when I come up for air. Right?

I've recently begun to recognize that he's tired, too. Tired of waiting for me to remember him. I know that I need to get on the fast track back to being the wife that he deserves. But how?

Perhaps King Benjamin's advice is a good place to start: "...becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love"(Mosiah 3:19)  When put in the context of a marriage relationship, those qualities become even more sacred. The world would say that submissiveness in marriage is an undesirable quality, but I believe that it is one of the most important ways to "put off the natural man." Being submissive means that I am aware of his needs and wants and that I selflessly put him first. If we are both more concerned about each other more than ourselves, our relationship will be on solid ground. Submissiveness builds a foundation for meekness, humility, patience, and love.

What a blessing that I don't have to embark on this journey of self-improvement alone. By "yielding to the enticings of the Holy Spirit", I will know the steps to take to make my marriage a top priority.

Fighting Entropy

I'm a word nerd. There's just something about certain words that I find fascinating. I remember when I was a teenager, I heard someone use the word "hubris" to describe an actor, and for months, I tried to use that word as often as possible. I have thesaurus.com bookmarked.

What can I say? I. Love. Words.

So, you can imagine how excited I was when not one, but two of my classes this week used the word "entropy" to describe marriage and family relationships.

dictionary.com

What in the world does a measure of thermodynamic energy have to do with relationships? Some clues can be found in the "related words" at the bottom of the picture above. In a 1976 devotional, President Spencer W. Kimball said that "many people have permitted their marriages to grow stale and weak and cheap...these people would do well to reevaluate, to renew their courting, to express their affection, to acknowledge kindnesses, and to increase their consideration so their marriage again can become beautiful, sweet, and growing."

I began to wonder if I had unwittingly let my marriage slip into entropy. I recently started working after 25 years of being a stay-at-home mom, and I have a full load of college classes as I work toward my degree. This, combined with all that it takes to raise six children, has stretched my energy to a level I have scarcely before felt. It's no wonder that all of my relationships are suffering. Unfortunately, my marital relationship is included. I'm exhausted, and I can't very well let my children fend for themselves, right? In all of my relationship responsibilities, I am realizing that I have put my husband last.

Thankfully, he was willing to sit down with me this week so that we could talk about my epiphany. Together, we made a list of three things that we could do to bring our relationship back from its entropic state. First, we need a regular date night. There has to be ONE NIGHT in the week where we can put aside our other responsibilities and focus on us. Just us. No kids, no homework, no job. Just us. We decided that would be Friday night. Second, we need to show more interest in each other's daily activities. Somehow, through all the years, we have stopped asking each other the question "how was your day?". It seems like a simple thing, yet it has disappeared as we turn our focus inward. Third, and very most importantly, we need to kneel down together for couples' prayer each day. I say my personal prayers, but since we go to bed at different times, we have stopped saying nightly prayers together. This is something that will help knit our spirits and our hearts together.

Can entropy be reversed? I don't know enough about thermodynamics to answer that question literally, but I do believe that figurative entropy is absolutely reversible. And we're going to prove it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for my date.

Seven Years

Seven years.

Did you know that the average lifespan of a goldfish is seven years? I had no idea.

Seven years is also the average length of a marriage in the United States.   A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. In the grand scheme of things, 27 years doesn't seem like that long. In the eyes of the world, though, it's almost four times longer than the average United States marriage that ends in divorce (thebalance.com) (Links to an external site.). 

I come from a family in which divorce was something that was never even talked about. I had one friend whose parents were divorced, but other than that, I really didn't even have any interaction with anyone who had experienced it. My kids, on the other hand, have more friends with divorced parents than friends whose parents are still happily married. One weekend, they will go to their friend's mom's house, and next weekend they will spend time with his or her dad. It's the reality of the world in which they are being raised. As a result, young adults are less likely to want to enter into a marital relationship. 

In a talk given to seminary and institute teachers, Sister Julie Beck said:

Many of our youth are losing confidence in the institution of families. They’re placing more and more value on education and less and less importance on forming an eternal family. Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping. Many also distrust their own moral strength and the moral strength of their peers. Because temptations are so fierce, many are not sure they can be successful in keeping covenants (March 2011 (Links to an external site.)).

I wonder about my kids. What can I do to help them regain confidence in and yearn for the blessings of a family? I can teach them by example. I can show them the blessings that I've received from being married to their father. I can love their father. I think 27 years is a great start.